Everything goes by...

Wow, everything just goes by so quickly. So quickly and I'm done my B.Ed and now searching for a job.

This last week was just not a good week for me. It was a week of meltdowns and just partial insanity because of course - I lack direction in my life. Just a week of me thinking about what I'm going to be doing with my future, what life experiences I will be getting. The more I think about it, the more I really want to just get away from the stress. Is it crazy that I am already having a quarter life crisis? Is that even normal?

So I've come to the conclusion that I sort of want to teach overseas now. If you were going to ask me if I would consider teaching overseas about 3 months ago, I would've told you that I wouldn't want to. Now, considering how crappy the job market is for teaching, I feel that maybe it is the time to consider going overseas. When I think about it, I am still young (is 25 young or old?) and it is something that I want to experience. Just living in another country for a year, experiencing another country. The taste, the smell, the culture. Everything new and different from what I know. Is this the right choice for me? I've been thinking a lot and I think that maybe this is the right choice.

The reasons that were holding me back before were just reasons I had regarding networking. I wanted to network in Ontario and try to kind of burrow my way into the education system here and find myself a job. But the more I think about it - if I were to get a full time job in Ontario, would that mean that I would never get a chance like this again? As much as I would like a full time job in Ontario right now, I feel like I am shutting the door on a golden opportunity that I would like to experience. This is why I think I should go.

I briefly brought the idea to my parents attention today at dinnertime and it seems like they are not happy about it. My mom doesn't object as much as my dad about it, but of course my dad is very stubborn and incredibly biased. Of course he tries to convince me to find my way into the system in Ontario and I know that it is important to do so - but again, this teaching overseas opportunity might be something I regret if I don't go. If this wasn't something that I wanted to do - then the idea wouldn't keep popping up into my head would it?

*sigh* Of course. How did I know that this decision might be a little bit too easy to make than I thought? After teachers college, I'm so broke that I can't even pay attention...(Source: Bruce). How am I even going to afford a plane ticket to Japan? Right now it looks like I'm going to have to find some sort of weird part-time job and earn myself some money before I can even go anywhere. Well, that's unless someone wants to buy some cupcakes off of me or donate to the "Carole is broke" fund. Anyone? Come on!

Karma

Does Karma actually exist? Sometimes I feel like it does, and for a lot of the time I feel like it doesn't. Actually, it feels more like karma is only working on me, but no one else.

Why is it that every path I take to try and get success never seems to be the easiest path? Why are other people handed opportunities again and again where I cannot even have one opportunity? I'm so tired of this shit.

I am tired of getting screwed over and I'm tired of being taken advantaged of. Maybe the reality is that I actually don't work as hard as I think I do, and that I actually don't deserve the things that others do. But if not, then why do I believe that I deserve them?

Why is it that I always have to work harder than others to get what I want? What factors play into this? I'm just so tired of getting the short end of the stick when I am a person that is also deserving.

I'm tired of people looking down on me and thinking that they are better than I am. When will karma come for them? When will I finally succeed and show them exactly what karma means? It's definitely not fair. Life isn't fair, but come on...

Get Well Soon...

My Grandma is in the hospital right now and I can't help but feel a bit uneasy. Though she is with medical professionals, I am hoping that she will recover very quickly and go about her everyday life.

My Grandma is 90 years old and she suffers from gallstones and had a gallstone attack last week. I didn't know about this until I arrived back home on Friday night and spent a few hours in the emergency room.

It seems like we've been in and out of hospitals so many times these last 2 years. It's kind of frightening actually. It's like everyone is getting sick all the time and there isn't much that we can do about it.

I spent all day Saturday at the hospital with my cousin and grandma. Grandma was having a lot of trouble sleeping and when she did, it seemed like she had really bad nightmares and dreamed about doing many everyday things.

She hasn't eaten in about 5 days and I'm beginning to get very concerned. She is starting to see things that aren't really there and she's having more negative thoughts.

This blog seems all over the place... and it is. There isn't any real coherent order to my post today, but it's just that there is so much going on. The only thing that I'm wishing for is that my grandma recovers soon and recovers well. I want her to come home and be able to eat what she cooks and have her independence back.

Grandma, please get better really soon. <3

Bank Accounts

So I was thinking about my bank account the other day and how limited it is. If I were to take out $30 every week for a while, my bank account would soon be at zero, considering I actually don't have a job and have NO income. Well how long would I be able to keep taking out money? What if I had gotten past the $0 mark? Would the bank allow me to withdraw money until I was in the negatives? How much money would it let me go over? These are weird questions that I have sometimes wondered. Luckily, I'm not spend thrifty enough to spend until my bank account goes below zero, but what would the bank really do? Since I don't have a job, would they just stop serving me? Hmmm...

When I was on my teaching placement, the students were learning some good character traits and one of the lessons was teaching about an emotional bank account. This would work the same as a cash bank account, except it is with peoples' emotions (mainly speaking about your friends). It was saying that when you continuously take and take from your friends without reciprocating, that your friends will soon disappear. The video the students' watched was of a girl named Nelly. Nelly was very busy all the time and when her friends asked her to go somewhere, she would agree... but eventually she would flake out and would either forget, or cancel. This was because Nelly was a very busy girl with cheerleading, student council, team sports etc. Then she asked her friends "You're not mad are you?" and her friends reluctantly said "No.. forget it." and walked away. It was weird because even though this video was kind of cheesy and for 11 year olds to know how important it is to appreciate your friends, it was all true. If we all thing about times where friends have taken us for granted, or maybe had withdrawn more times than they have deposited - it was true.

People don't always like to do things without some sort of gratification or appreciation. People don't like to work hard and not be praised. This goes for everyone, not just students.

Lately I feel like I've been a bit overdrawn. The bank of Carole is getting tired and it's as if I don't know when it's going to close. I guess this is what bankruptcy feels like... financially and emotionally.

Thanksgiving Weekend

This weekend was a huge relief. I was so happy when I was finally finished classes last week. The weekend was finally here!! The last two weeks of school had been really killing me. It was assignment after assignment after assignment. Honestly, I didn't think that it was going to be so much work. I had never felt like I worked harder in my life!

It was great that the weekend came though. I was really looking forward to just relaxing and just not having to think about homework. I went back to my parents house and just got away from the internet this weekend. It's so crazy now because the internet has become such a communication tool that when you're away from it, it's like you're out of the loop. Well, I was out of the loop this weekend and it felt great. I didn't have to check my emails or my WebCT or any of that stuff. I was happy just doing nothing! It was wonderful!

This year, we didn't have turkey. Instead, we made chicken wings and ribs tonight. I actually kind of miss having turkey, but I guess that was the next best thing. Overall, this weekend was very much needed and I actually enjoyed it very much. I hope everyone had just as great of a Thanksgiving as I did!! :D

Differences...

So for the last little while I haven't really been feeling good. Usually I feel pretty calm, relaxed and easy going, but now it seems as though I've developed anxiety and it's so hard for me to be myself.

It seems like maybe I have become a different person, but I don't know how I really managed to do that. I think the reason why I feel this way is because a lot of things have changed this year. I feel like I'm now very different from everyone because I don't fit in. What the hell happened? I honestly feel like I don't belong anywhere now. I feel as though no one wants me around and no body really cares what I'm up to. Well, that's fine. I mean... if no one wants me around, what am I supposed to do? Invite myself?

I feel so different from everyone these past 2 weeks. I feel like I don't fit in socially at school and I don't fit in socially in my hometown. I feel like I'm the one who's trying too hard to be "cool" and at the same time, it's not working. Obviously if I were more cool, people would want to hang around me and call me and just hang out with me. But this isn't the case. I guess I'm just not cool anymore. Instead, I've turned into a quiet, introverted person who seemingly does not prefer the company of extroverted people.

What's wrong with me? Why do I feel so different from everyone? Recently, I feel like there is no one I can relate to and no one I can talk to. Being different actually really sucks ass especially if you weren't different before. I honestly think I've lost my sociability. How the hell did that happen?

My New Home

So I've finally sort of settled into my new home away from home. I've moved into residence and finally have gotten used to not having my sisters around and not having the normal comforts of my own home.

I wouldn't say that too much is different other than the fact that I have to find my own food and wash ALL of my own dishes, but I guess it's just a few responsibilities that I should've had a while ago.

Overall, I kind of feel lonely here. Though there are friends here, it's not the same as home. It's weird because I wouldn't have thought I would miss Hamilton at all. But I do, just a little. I miss my room, I miss my family and I miss my friends. I knew I would feel a little homesick, but I was completely in denial. I think that I wouldn't feel so isolated if I actually had a vehicle here, but even so, having a vehicle doesn't replace the people and places that you miss.

I'm also living on the tightest budget of my life. I've never been unemployed since I was about 13 or 14 years old and now I have no income. No income means that I can't afford to spend any money on anything that isn't necessary. It doesn't seem like it would be hard, but it really is. I am so accustomed to having savings and having an income and to be unable to spend money on something that I want is pretty difficult. I've only purchased lunch once and that was today because I was forced out of my room from a residence evacuation this morning.

So all in all, I don't really love my new home. It seems so much different and it seems like I've lost so much from just moving from Hamilton to here. I know that this is just an initial feeling and I hope that things do start to get better. Of course everyone always says that it will, so I'll just go along with what everyone is saying and I'll believe it. :)